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| To whoever finds this:
You are looking at the corpse of a legend, the great Uncle McThirsty… First off let me say, please no molesting the dead. Just because I killed myself doesn't mean I can't still kill you son. Also, please take the #2 pencil out of my temple. I'd like to look attractive as possible when I visit the coroner. I have taken myself out of the game for a number of reasons… Oh where to start? I guess you could say I realized my gift at a very young age in life. From the age of 2, I was drinking adults under the table. Sure, I started out slow at roughly 50 beers per day, but dedication is what I was about jerky. This rotting shell of a human lying before you could still drink more than you. In fact, you see the funnel lying next to me? Beer me slugger, I'm parched. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, once you get to the point in life where you realize you are a supreme being, and that nobody can compete at your level, what's the point anymore? I wasn't the Jesus of Beer for nothing fucker. Beer superiority complex (BSC) is not the only reason why I decay before you today however. Uncle McThirsty felt heartache as well. It was like living a nightmare. Each moment that went by I thought about my lost love until I finally couldn't take it any longer. The way that glass fell off the bar and shattered into a thousand pieces, brew flying everywhere… it's as if you could almost hear it scream. I didn't mean to knock you off the bar baby… come back! Come back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Back on track… The main reason why I decided to kill myself is because I believe in reincarnation, and I was anxious to begin my next life… as a Sperm Whale. I have already made arrangements for all of my worldly assets to go towards the construction of a man-made lake behind Bucho's Bar. Once complete, the kind people of Miller Brewing Company are going to fill the lake with brew and keep it at a constant freshness and temperature. Next, Uncle McThirsty the Sperm Whale will be lowered into his new habitat. You may ask, "But Uncle McThirsty, how will they know which Sperm Whale you've come back as?" Well mufugga, I'll be the only Sperm Whale swimming around cussing and stabbing other fish with #2 pencils. It won't be hard to determine. So you see, taking all of this into consideration, I had no other option than to do myself in… To all my Bucho's Bar compadres, don't be sad, Uncle McThirsty hated you all. To the one or two people that actually enjoyed reading these weekly articles of mine, you were the wind beneath my wings. The fan mail brought a tear to my eye every week. Wait, there was no fan mail! Screw all of you and the cock-rockets you flew in on. Whatever that means. So, for the last time, this is Uncle McThirsty signing off. Don't touch my barstool motherbitches. Goodbye shitnecks! -Uncle McThirsty 7-22-02 top |
| McThirsty family gatherings
are the greatest time on earth. Look to your left and see Uncle McThirsty
and Cousin McThirsty throwing drunken horseshoes… Look inside the
house and you'll see the Grandparent McThirsty's playing asshole with
some of the other aunt's and uncle's. Look to the garage and see the young'ens
doing keg stands… Of course nobody in the family remembers any of these great moments. We usually designate somebody from outside the family to video tape the events so that we can all sit down together, drink, and relive all of the great times. Like the time Grandma McThirsty killed the pizza man because they forgot to put sausage on the pizza! When she saw that on film, she laughed so hard that Colt 45 came out of her nose! So, next time that you're having a beer with your 4 year old niece, take the time to cherish the moment. You never know when the last time you will see your family will be. Goodbye shitnecks! -Uncle McThirsty 7-8-02 top |
| This week, Uncle McThirsty
is going to break down the top 3 ways you can show your patriotism on
Independence Day… First and foremost, the beer that you consume has to be domestic. Yes, no sense in celebrating your freedom whilst chugging a Fuller's London Pride… Make sure that shit is watered down light gold American swill. If it has flavor in it, such as honey, it is not fit to be consumed. Next, you need to blow up something for the day to be complete... If you live in a state where fireworks are not legal, such as Ohio, either purchase fireworks illegally, or make due with what you have around the house. Have you ever grabbed a squirrel, poured gasoline down its throat, and then lit him on fire? Okay okay, there won't be much of an explosion in this case, but you get the point. Destruction = Patriotism. Last but not least,,, eat 15 pounds of red meat. From the time you wake up, until the time you go to bed (or the time you die from over-eating), some form of red meat must be in your grasp. Burger, steak, grilled pigeon, etc, it doesn't matter. The bloodier, the better. Eat like a savage,,, an American savage. If you follow these simple guidelines you will be doing your part to help keep America free from land pirates trying to invade the country, such as Canadians. They will be so impressed with our sense of heritage that they will decide to invade Mexico instead. And remember, once they're in Mexico, they're not our problem any more. Goodbye shitnecks! -Uncle McThirsty 7-1-02 top |
| Make room for Uncle McThirsty,,,
it's time to hop on the bandwagon. Everyone is soccer, oops excuse me, FOOTBALL crazy these days. The Americans had a good run in the World Cup, and everyone seems to be following these games pretty closely… Hey, I think its great how local bars and pubs had been opening early so that fans could gather and watch the games. What other occasion can you go to your favorite bar at 7 in the morning and drink? Well, besides St. Patty's Day of course. Oh and Cinco de Mayo. Oh, and if you steal the bar key and make an illegal copy and help yourself to free drinks every morning, I guess that counts also… You know what my favorite part of soccer is though? Soccer Mom's. Actually, just the hot soccer mom's, let's call them Soccer MILF's. Yes, on the shallow side I like them because they're hot, but I also like them because they're all raging alcoholics. It is a scientific fact that all Soccer Moms are drunkards, with their favorite drink of choice being gin and tonic. They choose gin and tonic, because of the water like appearance, so that they can conceal the liquid in a water bottle that fits snugly inside a fanny pack while at their kid's game. You know what else Soccer Mom's like? Black Tar Heroin. Track marks are a bitch though, so that's why you only see Soccer Mom's wear long sleeve shirts, even in the 100-degree heat of summer. Did you also know that all Soccer Moms are bi-sexual? That's right, when Soccer Moms aren't at a soccer match, they are dyking with one another. No shit. All praise Soccer Moms. I raise my glass in your honor. Goodbye shitnecks! -Uncle McThirsty 6-24-02 top |
| This
week I'd like to share a few memories of the 2002 Midwest Brewfest that
was held in Cleveland this past weekend… Apparently this was the first year that you could actually buy a full cup of brew, as opposed to the 4-ounce samplers they sell in little cups. This was a plus to Thirsty, because of a couple reasons. First, after drinking the tiny plastic cups of brew after a couple hours or so, the initial reaction of "Hey this is great, I feel like a giant!" wore off, and after that I was just a man with a small ass cup of beer. Yeah big cups. Secondly, the weavers they had working this event were not at all related to the breweries, and seemed to know as little about beer as Thir$ty B at a health drink convention. Big cups were good in this instance, because the less I had to fill up, the less I had to talk to these idiot non-pouring non-knowing assfucks. Other than a few exceptions, there were not any beers that truly wowed Uncle McThirsty… and on the other hand there weren't too many beers that I was disappointed in either. The most memorable moments were non-beer related as a matter of fact. For instance, when us fellows were trying out chili that some of Northeast Ohio's finest fireman had to offer, a young woman told Thirsty B he had no personality. Now, excuse me if I sound too harsh, BUT FUCK THAT GRIZZLED HO AND THE 2 TONS OF MAKEUP SHE HAD ON HER FACE. I HOPE HER AND HER SKEAZOID FISH-EATING FRIEND DROWN THEMSELVES IN A CHILI FILLED AQUARIUM. Don't get me wrong, I'd still do her, and actually the skeazoid fish-eating friend was mighty attractive. She doesn't have to have a chili-induced death anytime soon. Hey, I'm not bitter. We all got free tickets to a B. B. King concert and I tried many delightful beers. Every day should be a brewfest is my opinion. That's why I make it my job to drink like a parched Shamu on a hot day. Goodbye shitnecks! -Uncle McThirsty 6-18-02 top |
| This week I'd just like
to follow up on last week's freestyle about the revolutionary products
I mentioned, the 30 can sized fanny pack and the keg helmet… Well, turns out they weren't very good ideas after all. To test out the 30 can fanny pack, I used my trusty Indians bag… I packed that bitch full of 30 beers, strapped it to my fanny and took a leisurely hike throughout the grassy Barberton knolls. At first things seemed ok, but after a while my left leg started to buckle… After that my kneecap shattered in 1002 places, just as if someone had hit me with Thirsty's own patented "One-Inch Knuckle Kneecap Breaker". I had to drink the 30-pack so that I could hop home on the other leg. As time went on throughout the day, and my pain started to numb away as I approached the 146-beer mark, I decided to test out my other idea, the "keg helmet". I dusted off my Lincoln-style Stovepipe hat, and cut off the top leaving a small ring as a base. I then lined the base with aluminum foil for extra support. Next, I had Bucho's Bar workers Vee Gee and Big Rico load a keg onto the hat… The next thing I knew I woke up in the hospital 3 days later. I had a neck brace on and there were people around me staring like they were about to see Christopher Reeves do a cartwheel. Turns out the weight of the keg compacted my neck by 4 inches and shattered it completely. No big deal though… I'm going to get the money for the metal neck implant by suing Bucho's Bar for sexual assault. Turns out after I passed out from the sheer pain of a keg being balanced on my head, Big Rico twiddled my wiener. Buahahahaha… Goodbye shitnecks! -Uncle McThirsty 6-10-02 top |
| Uncle McThirsty, the greatest
beer drinker of all time, the greatest inventor of all time, and a real
American hero… Ahh, the Bucho's Bar store…. Where you can buy everything from T-Shirts to crack cocaine. There seems to be some things missing though dammit… When I'm walking the streets on a hot sunny day, I get parched. Trust me, I always have a brown bag in hand, but the brew gets warm too quickly… Thus, I'm here to offer a suggestion to the establishment… 3 words, Fanny Pack Cooler. As everyone knows, the fanny pack is the greatest invention of all time, and I have a way to make it even better. Add a pocket for a bag of ice, and make it big enough to hold a 30 pack of cans! That's right, get you a cube of Miller Lite, and throw that bad boy in the fanny pack. Next attach the fanny pack to thy fanny, and you're good to go. My only fear is that holding only 30 cans will not be enough for the average hiker, and making it bigger, say 60 cans attached at the fanny, may be too heavy… That is why the Bucho's Bar store also needs to carry keg-helmets! That's right, everyone has seen the helmets that can hold 2 beer cans, but what about making the helmet big enough to hold a keg? Why not! So remember this,,, next time you see a person walking down the street with a 30 pack cube on their fanny, and a fucking keg on their head,,, that was my invention. Let's get these things in the store quick fast! Goodbye shitnecks! -Uncle McThirsty 6-3-02 top |
| Uncle McThirsty is always
receiving free shit. Samples of shampoo to make my illustrious shiny hair
look shinier, free America Online cd's that double as beer coasters (and
skeet's), free candy when I gank little trick-or-treaters on Halloween…
The list goes on and on. The damndest thing happened yesterday though folks. Whilst dining on piles of chicken wings with Veg-matic and Heitic yesterday, Thirsty received a free beer. That's right, some homely looking waitress handed Thirsty a beer, and wanted no American currency in exchange. I was speechless. I didn't know whether to thank her, or to poke her in the eye for being so damned ugly… I'll tell you one thing though. Thirsty B is going to marry that dog-faced woman. This bitch had about 3 pounds of makeup on her face, so I can only assume she is a clown apprentice. Ahh yes, I can see it now… Thirsty B laying in a hammock in his back yard, while my wife, the mule-looking hoe from the restaurant, brings Thirsty free beer after free beer. Hell, since she is going to be in the circus apparently, maybe she could do some tricks while bringing me the free beer. Nothing too difficult of course, I wouldn't want her to spill the free beer. So remember this,,, when Thirsty has little alcoholic clown children one day, don't forget them on their birthdays. They will want beer for their birthday. Goodbye shitnecks! -Uncle McThirsty 5-20-02 top |
| Thirsty, the responsible
young adult… With the settlement I recently received from the Elsinore Brewing Company (found a mouse in the beer), young Thirsty B became a home owner, and I'll tell you what, daily household chores are fun. From vacuuming the cat, to dusting the toaster, I'm up all on the activities to ensure a clean domicile. I'll tell you what the most fun activity of them all is… that's right, mowing the yard. I like to start early in the day so that I can get a nice buzz on before I finish the front yard. I wear one of those hard hats that holds dual beers, so that I don't get too parched in the warming spring Ohio weather. Only thing is though, once I get towards the end, I'm pretty sloppy drunk, and I don't make straight lines… After mowing the yard on Saturday, I woke up on Sunday, face down in the grass, squirrels using my ears as mini-toilets… I got up, looked around, and too my disbelief, I had somehow spelled out "poonanny" in the lawn. I said to myself, "Poonanny? Did I mow out Poonanny in my lawn?" I then looked up, in the sky, and there I saw it, a small plane flying by, and on the end was a banner. That banner stated, "You bet your ass you did." Goodbye shitnecks! -Uncle McThirsty 5-6-02 top |
| See what happens when Uncle
McThirsty tries to be nice…. People just end up dying… So I'm in the bar the other morning, I'd say around 11 am, resting comfortably with my head in a bowl of beer nuts positioned directly under a leaky tap so that I could continue to drink even while I sleep, when I get a tap on my shoulder waking me from my slumber… It was that bastard VeeGee coming to me with a sob story and a predicament he was in. He proceeded to tell me about a burning sensation while urinating he described as "liquid fire", and that he must of contracted some disease from one of the skanks he gets with. (To find out more about skanks VeeGee has been with, read any one of his past freestyles or contact your local library). Anyway, he said he needed some bartender help while he went to get it checked out, so I decided to be nice for once and help out… Trying to do a good deed, but things just didn't go well right off the bat. First of all, I denied access to the bar to the Zima distributor who was trying to deliver a six-pack of the fruity concoction, sending Heitic into a fury. After an hour of bashing his head against the wall, I was able to calm him down with hard lemonade… but the madness didn't stop there… After that, one of VeeGee's midget stripper bisexual one-legged freaks came in looking for him to go have sex in the alley because her boyfriend pissed her off… When I told her that he wasn't there, she started screeching like Zena Warrior Princess, and spitting on everyone that was within 5 feet of her. I had to pay Lucky Geraldo 2 bucks to stuff her in a sack and toss her in a dumpster. But the madness didn't stop there… As the day wore on, Thirsty started to get pretty inebriated… After about 175 beers, I started trying to do my best Tom Cruise "Cocktails" impersonation, but in the altered state, things didn't go quite the way I wanted. As I flipped a 151 bottle under my leg, behind my back, it got away from me as it went flying past the bar, hitting none other than ex Cleveland Indian great Cory Snyder in the temple, killing him instantly. The man played a mean outfield in his day, but apparently years of glue sniffing had left him with no senses. He never saw it coming. Tis a sad day. Moral of the story - Thirsty shouldn't work. He kills people. Goodbye shitnecks! -Uncle McThirsty 4-29-02 top |
| My dough is getting low
boy! Thirsty's bank account is depleting folks, and it looks like I'm gonna have start working for the man again instead of sitting in this bar all damn day and all damn night getting more blitzed than Bernie Kosar. This week, I thought I could just post my resume so you fuck sticks could help me tune it up. Let me know how to make myself sound like the smartest man alive. Goodbye shitnecks! CONTACT: Uncle Bartholomew J. McThirsty Bucho's Bar Urinal #3 Akron, OH 44313 OBJECTIVE: To get paid for literally nothing whilst drinking myself retarded. EDUCATION: Alcoholics Anonymous, G.E.D. Program Graduation Date: Still workin' on it. Areas of concentration: Home Brewing for Dummies; Bonging 101 EXPERIENCE: 03/98 to 03/98 The Nest, Barberton, OH Jiz Mopper · Mopped Jiz · Cleaned Jiz Mop · Emptied Jiz Bucket 04/98 to 05/98 Great Lakes Brewery, Cleveland, OH Beer Taster · Tasted Beer · Fired May 1998 for "Drinking Corporate Profits Away" 05/98 to Present Buchos Bar, Akron, OH Bar Fly · Sit and Drink · Piss RELEVANT SKILLS: Drinking; Smoking; Pissing; Lifting anything less than 15 pounds; Drinking REFERENCES: Boy ask yo momma! -Uncle McThirsty 4-25-02 top |
| I hate to brag, but damn
I'm drunk… I'd like to tell a little story about the worst day of my life… The day I didn't have any beer. It was a winter's day, 1985. I had woken up that morning in a pile of granny panties that had somehow accumulated on the bathroom floor of my house. As I strolled over to the fridge to get that morning 40, I could already taste the sweet brew hitting my tongue. I opened the refrigerator door, and to my shock, my supply of 40's was gone. Suddenly rapid thoughts started to race through my mind,,, "What the hell happened last night? Was I host to some alcoholic granny convention or what!?" "Did young Thirsty get molested by a 300 pound walrus that goes by something like Granny Bertha or Big Mama Juanita!?" All of the possible scenarios were consuming my mind, when I realized I had to get some beer with the quickness. My left eye started twitching and my palms felt like a 2 day old dead trout… I checked all my secret stashes… the toilet tank, behind my life-size Mr. T cardboard cutout, under my pillow, but alas there was not one drop of brew in the McThirsty domicile. I knew then I had to make my trek to the local store to grab a case of Schlitz. Since I was only 8 at the time, I didn't have a car, so I would have to make the hike on foot. In haste however, thoughts of beer clouding my mind, I ran out of the door before getting dressed, adorning only the Scooby Doo Underoos that I had gotten on Christmas. The cold winter winds soon started to affect young Uncle McThirsty, as my joints started to freeze. My steps started to slow, my eyes started to blacken, and as I am told, I passed out in a 3-foot snowdrift, face first. The next thing I knew warmth overtook my body, and I came out of my coma 2 days later, surrounded by Uncle McThirsty groupies, or my family some would say. They asked me how I felt, and I said, "Hot damn! I'm drunk as all hell!" You see, to get Thirsty's blood pumping again, they attached a brew IV to my arm… And I still have that IV today boys and girls. Occasionally, I use the IV just to bring back the memories of that one fateful day,,, the day I had no brew sucka. Goodbye shitnecks! -Uncle McThirsty 4-15-02 top |
| Uncle McThirsty aka the
Nolan Ryan of Bowling suckelles! This past Saturday evening Thirsty B and Heitic ventured out of the bar to do a little bowling. An evening that has been coined with the name (by Uncle McThirsty), "The night of hella 300 games by that savage, the one and only Uncle McThirsty aka The Greatest Bowler in the World". We arrived at the bowling alley after a misfortunate incident at the Quaker Steak and Lube establishment (we were asked to leave after I slapped the hostess for not giving us the "Dotson" waiting card). At the bowling alley, Heitic said he was thirsty, so I went up to the bar and ordered 2 Zima's for him and 3 pitchers for Thirsty B. After receiving them he said, "Gosh, how am I going to handle all of this alcohol…you know it's one brew and I'm through!" I paid him no mind, and on to the bowling we went… Not to talk bad about my boy Heitic, but he had some flamboyantly weaverish style that gave Thirsty an advantage from the opening frame. Strike after strike for Uncle McThirsty left Heitic crying with Zima in one hand and handkerchief in the other. At one point it got so easy for Thirsty that he used Heitic's 4-pound ball and sent it down the lane Dennis Eckersly style! Strike again! I'll stop it here, as the embarrassment of losing to Thirsty B so viciously is probably unbearable for Heitic. Here are the final scores for 3 games. Game 1: Thirsty 300, Heitic 16 Game 2: Thirsty 300, Heitic 24 Game 3: Thirsty 300, Heitic 3 Moral of the story, drink your brew and eat your Wheaties, and maybe one day you can be a bowling stud like Thirsty B. Goodbye shitnecks! -Uncle McThirsty 4-8-02 top |
| Wait… what holiday
is it? Fuck it, I'm gonna drink just for the feeling of rubber dick… These holidays are pointless to Thirsty B. Ask you momma who the Easter Bunny is,,, ask Thirsty who he is, and you'll get a #2 pencil embedded in your temple. Alright, alright I know I sound bitter, but I have a reason… I still remember it like it was 20 years ago… Thirsty, a young lad of 4 years old on the night before Easter… Going to the fridge for his 2am Steel Reserve nightcap. That's when it happened,,, I saw that shit-eating Easter Rabbit bouncing around, looking for a place to hide Thirsty's basket, eating his own shit… I said - "Break yourself foo', you better have a tall can in that basket." E.B. - "I have chocolate, and marshmallow peeps galore." Thirsty - "That's it! You're gonna die!" E.B. - "Wait, wait, I have a flask of Maddog 20/20 out in the Fag-Rabbit mobile." Thirsty - "Well Ok, lets get saucy." E.B. - "Ha! I was lying, I just have hella Peeps ! Eat Peeps youngster!" Thirsty - "Really…." Sorry to break it to all you youngsters that drink at Bucho's Bar, but I muffled the Easter Bunny to death 20 years ago with his own butt. The candy you've been getting these years has been from the Easter Bunny's stepbrother 'Cock the Magic Squirrel". That Cadbury cream egg filling, is filled by Cock the Magic Squirrel… um, enough said. Goodbye shitnecks! -Uncle McThirsty 4-1-02 top |
| Someone stole me pot of
gold…. Oh wait, I spent that gold on 40's of Phat Boy, nevermind. * please note Thirsty's secretary is typing this, as he is too intoxicated to move his fingers. So, it's Thirty's Christmas today aka St. Patrick's Day. (belch) I'm floating in a green beer river,, hey is that Captain Stubing? Hello Captain Stubing, I'll take 2 beers please. Did you know when you drink green beer, you have green shit the next day? * note Thirsty's secretary just cleaned a bucket of puke off of her desk, courtesy of the Thirsty one. Did you know the Lucky Charms Leprechaun's other job is male stripper? He needs the extra money to pay for all the Guinness… On a similar note I'd like to have a leprechaun and keep it in a cage… I've often wondered how long a leprechaun can survive solely on Lucky Charms marshmallows and skim milk. Do the Irish drink green beer all year long? I wonder if the whole country shits green… Speaking of green beer, how do they get it green? I heard it involves Kermit the frog and X rated midget porn,,, is this true? * This is Thirty's secretary. He just passed out and is pissing himself. I've never seen so much piss in my life. It smells like lime jello. I guess that's it for this week. Oh, and before we started, Uncle McThirsty wanted me to get this in at the end… Goodbye Shitnecks! -Uncle McThirsty 3-18-02 top |
| Thirsty is tougher than
two little kids hopped up on goofballs… Many people think Uncle McThirsty is a punk and try to mess with him while he's enjoying a tasty beverage on his comfortable barstool… Well, ask the guy whose ankles I bit off if Thirsty is a punk. Here's the conversation that lead to the gnawing off of a homo-thug's ankles: Homo Thug: Hey dude, can you pass me the pretzels? Thirsty: Go have sex with your mother. (thanks to Hank the Angry Drunken Dwarf for this witty comeback,,, RIP Hank) HT: What's your problem? And with that Thirsty had his sharp incisors chomping on anklebone. I'd like to thank Bucho's Bar establishment for paying for the homo thug's ankle implants. This saved me a court trip. I owe you a Coke. Goodbye shitnecks! -Uncle McThirsty 3-4--02 top |
| Uncle McThirsty,,, finger
lickin' good. Just to warn all you fuckers, you may see less of Thirsty around the bar for the next few weeks, so don't piss your panties. Thirsty is on the verge of becoming a trillionaire, and I must focus my efforts on making it happen. You may ask me, "Thirsty, you lazy piece of shit, you haven't done anything constructive in your miserable life, how could you possibly become rich?" Well bastards, Thirsty has discovered the secret recipe for Kentucky Fried Chicken, and is about to start selling chicken out the trunk of his car. Do you want to know how I obtained this recipe? Well, it's an interesting story. I was at the zoo the other day, as I am every Tuesday, feeding monkeys Styrofoam packing material, when none other than Colonel Sanders walks up to me and asks me for the time. At first, I didn't know who it was, so I was like "Get away from me old man before I nasal rape you." After he was walking away, I realized who it was, and got the brilliant idea to pummel him until he gave up the recipe for his puke tasting chicken. After the thrashing of a lifetime (I won't go into specifics, it involved a spork and a size 12 flip-flop however), the Colonel finally gave up the goods. So that's where I am now. Oh, do you want to know what the secret ingredient to KFC chicken is? It's goat urine. Tasty, tasty goat urine. Goodbye shitnecks! -Uncle McThirsty 2-25-02 top |
| Pass the generic Nyquil
and the medicinal Malt beverage, Thirsty is sick… That's right folks, Thirsty is sicker than my Grandma after prom night 2001. At first I thought it was the run of the mill hangover, but after pounding beers again, I realized the sickness would not flea. So I will keep this short and sweet for the groupies, and leave you with these words of advice. Boobs aren't the cure all for the common cold. *cough… Goodbye shitnecks… cough* -Uncle McThirsty 2-18-02 top |
| Watch yo' back sucka! It's
Sir Thir$ty the Kind-Hearted… Since Thirsty became famous by appearing on the local news, I've been getting tons of fan mail. That's right, two whole letters. This week, I'd like to give back to my fans and take the time to answer all of your questions. I'd like to call this week's segment "Uncle McThirsty's Big Bag O' Fan Crap". The first letter comes from a young lad named Truth. Truth asks: "Uncle McThirsty, how can you afford to sit around Bucho's Bar 24/7 and do nothing but drink? And also, how do you always drink me under the table?" Well Truth, to answer the first part of this question, Thirsty gets a little weekly check supplied by workers compensation. You may say, "But Uncle McThirsty, you're not disabled, you're such a pimp." First of all, thanks, but truth be told, Thirsty is something the medical folk call "an alcoholic". I used to have a job, but I kept getting drunk and playing "grab ass" with all the female employees. Turns out, they didn't enjoy that game, so the big wigs sent me to rehab. After many failed attempts, I was labeled as a drunk, so now they pay me to drink. It's that simple. As far as always drinking you under the table? Well, I don't really consider that a challenge. Any 5 year old girl can drink 2 Zima's and call it a night… The second letter comes from some nice lady named "Uncle McThirsty's Grandma". Uncle McThirsty's Grandma asks: "Sup' Thirsty? Just letting you know I just baked a gang of cookies, so swing yo ass on over to the trailer for some Tollhouse playboy. Oh yeah, whats up with your boy 24k? I'd like to heat up the kitchen with that dude all night long, if you know what I'm sayin." Well Grandma, I'll definitely be popping over for some cookies. I haven't had a home cooked meal in about a decade. As far as 24k goes, well I can't answer for him, but I do think he's married. It's hard to resist your charm though Grandma. I'll hit him up with your 2-way number. Expect a call. So, remember this folks. Thirsty always will take time out for his fans. That is, unless I'm drinking and forget what "mail" is. Alright! Goodbye shitnecks! -Uncle McThirsty 2-4-02 top |
| Damn this bar stinks…
oh wait my head is in the toilet again… This week I'm posting my shopping list because I always forget what I need. I always end up with 10 cases of beer and toilet paper,,, Thirsty needs to eat dammit! Lets see here: - 1 12 pack of Michelob Light bottles. Check. - The biggest pack of Charmin I can find. A man needs comfort in his toilet paper. Charmin is squeezably soft. - A dirty 30 of Busch Light Cans. Checkmate. - 2 40's of Phat Boy. Thirsty's malt liquor of choice. - 8 bottles of the new Guinness draft bottles. Damn Guinness is good. These new bottles are the shiznit. - 1 Red Onion. - 1 tub of lard. Just because I need something to dip the onion in. - 1 12 pack of Pete's Wicked Ale bottles. Another damn fine beer. I'd like to meet this Pete and pat him on the back. Thirsty is not gay, remember that. - Un-stinkafyer. For the vomit smell in the drapes. - Toothpaste. Not really sure what this stuff is, but someone said I need it for personal hygiene. - A gallon of Colt 45. Well, after final evaluation, damn, Thirsty is gonna be eating large this week. I can't wait to dig into my Lard-Dipped Onion, with toothpaste for desert. Come'on over to Thirsty's for a Thanksgiving like feast! Goodbye shitnecks! -Uncle McThirsty 1-28-02 top |
| Thirsty is the smartest
man alive, and you know this man! You may have recently seen Thirsty on the local news. Yep that's right, I was looking like Alf the other night. Here's the situation… A truck carrying female condoms was driving the busy downtown streets of Akron, when all of a sudden a rabid squirrel limped out in the middle of the street! The driver swerved, hit a curb, and tipped the truck, sending female contraception all of the dirty city streets! Anyway, after I scooped up a couple female rubbers (for my dirty B-Town ho), I feel a tap on my shoulder. It's the local newswoman wanting to interview Thirsty on what happened with the truck… Here's the interview word for word: Reporter - Sir, what is your name and what exactly happened here? Thirsty - My name is Thirsty, and I'm an alcoholic. R - I'm sorry, what was that? T - Oh nothing, how you doing? R - Fine sir, and could you please explain what happened here? T - Oh, you know what happened, how bout them digits? I got some contraception. R - I'm sorry sir, I don't follow. Do you have anything else to add? After that I seem to remember puking on her shoes and then passing out. Moral of the story: Thirsty is famous now, so when you see me, ask for my autograph. I won't give you one, but I may punch you in the trachea. And that is how I show my appreciation. Appreciation for being famous. Goodbye shitnecks! -Uncle McThirsty 1-21-02 top |
| Uncle McThirsty, so savage,
so drunk… I know with these weekly articles I usually take time to vent at all the fuckers that are causing me problems at Bucho's Bar. And this week, its no different, Thirsty is calling out names! First to the jackass that asked me for a light on Tuesday night (Smelly Jake), here's how you are going to die: First, I'm gonna take a bottle of ear drops and squeeze out the shit in your eyes! That's right, you'll be blind for a good 10 seconds! And in that 10 seconds, I'm gonna carve my name into your abdomen with a screwdriver! And once you finally are able to see and admire the new carving,,, I'm going to poke your jugular with a carrot peeler. Goodnight! Next on the list is the owner of Bucho's, yes the scoundrel Markwood. You're on the hit list for trying to make me pay for my drinks, and for giving me a lecture when walking out the door with a pitcher full of beer… First, I'm gonna take a strobe light and force you to look at it for 10 minutes straight! After that, when you're seeing intermittent images of the Thirsty one crowding your world, out comes the vice grips! Yes Vice Grips clenching on your gonads brings the first hint of pain, and then Bam!, oops upside your head with a smallish sledge hammer! Bye bye Markwood, enjoy your nap! And finally on Thirsty's hit list (for this week) is that bastard Heitic. This is for not allowing Thirsty to bum a ciggy even though you know he's trying to quit. First, I'm going take my brew pot and stick it over your head, and then I'm going to hit the pot with a big ass wooden spoon! Once your ears are ringing, I'm going to grab my trusty McGuyver pocket knife and shave off your eyebrows with no shaving cream! After a good week of mild irritation to your face, and public embarrassment, Thirsty will be satisfied. I don't hate you, so your life is safe, but NEVER refuse a man a cigarette. Well, unless it's ho lauter, then I'll understand. Beware of Thirsty's wrath children. You could be next. Goodbye shitnecks! -Uncle McThirsty 1-14-02 top |
| Happy New Year folks. I
like beer. Here's a quick holiday story for you to share with your kids and grandkids, enjoy. New Years Eve didn't start out as anything special for Uncle McThirsty. I woke up in my usual position,,, head in the shitter closest to the bathroom door at Bucho's Bar. Well, after my 150th beer of the day, I decided I needed to do something special to ring in the New Year. All of the regulars from Bucho's weren't there that night. I guess they were celebrating in some big gay parade or something, I don't know. That night it was just me, and the part-time bartender, Big Rico. If you've ever talked to Big Rico, you know it's like talking to a big garbage bag full of dog shit, so other plans I needed to find. Anyway, I left Bucho's around 10pm that night looking for some shit to get into. I was walking around the lonely city streets, when all of a sudden, Uncle McThirsty was shot in the neck! I don't know who shot me, but they were able to steal away a 2-dollar bill and my Bazooka Joe Comic collection (damn). So off to the emergency room Thirsty goes… After a good 45 minute wait in the emergency room, I was finally able to see a doctor. Side note - You may be wondering how I remained alive, while massive amounts of blood rushed from my neck? Well, turns out years of drinking malt liquor has turned my bloodstream into 90% malt beer blood. I just grabbed a case of Schlitz on the way to the emergency room, and I was good to go. Anyway, after the doctor slapped on a band-aid, I was ready to roll. Turns out I missed midnight by a minute after I left the emergency room, but it didn't much matter, it was your average run of the mill day to me. Oh yeah, when I was about to leave the hospital, I heard some piercing bitch screams coming from the waiting room. When I looked around I noticed some large heffer was about to give birth, and there wasn't any doctors around. Well, to make a long story short, Thirsty delivered the "New Years Baby" of 2002. Hey, I'm a thirsty guy I guess, that's all I can say. Goodbye shitnecks! -Uncle McThirsty 1-7-02 top |
| Ho ho ho motherfucker,
now fill my stocking with tall cans… I just wanted to take a moment to wish everyone a happy holiday season. Ahh Christmas, what a wonderful time of the season. Or so I'm told. I can't remember yesterday for fucks sake, so I sure as hell don't remember what the hell a Christmas is like… Actually, the only real Christmas memory I have is when I was around 5 years old. I woke up on Christmas day around 10am with a wicked hangover. My mom asked me if I wanted to open my presents, and I told her I needed my morning Bloody Mary to "get my mind right". Anyway, I seem to remember getting a pair of socks, a new beer stein, and a new thermos so I could secretly conceal my malted beverage while at school. Those gifts brought a little joy, but true happiness was met later in the day. I think you know what I'm talking about…. Yeah that's right, this was the day I took my first beer bath. My mom said I had one more present and told me to go into the bathroom. To my delight the tub was filled with the sweet amber liquid, and best to believe I hopped right in. It was like floating down the sweetest river known to man… the memory brings a tear to my eye, and I bet you're weeping as you read this. It made me so happy that it then became a daily ritual. Oh, in case you were wondering, Steel Reserve gets you the cleanest out of all the "bathing beers" I use. I think it's because of the gasoline they put in that shit. Moral of the story: For all you parents looking for the perfect gift for the young ones, I say fuck the X-Box and bring on the tub o' blatz. Trust me, they'll love you for a lifetime. Goodbye shitnecks! -Uncle McThirsty 12-18-01 top |
| Its 6:09, do you know where
your tall can is? I've got bad news folks. Uncle McThirsty is about to go under the knife. The other day I was sitting in my barstool, when that bastard Robinson says, "Hey Thirsty there's massive amounts of blood coming out of your mouth." After he proceeded to tell me this is a bad thing (it had been happening for about 12 years by now), I decided to visit the doctor. Turns out, my liver is nothing but jell-o (grape flavored I think). I'm about to go under an experimental procedure, and have a bionic liver implanted. I'm told that once this robot liver is implanted, not only can I continue drinking, I will now be able to drink 300 beers in one sitting. You fools better be ready. Also, with this new liver, I'm told I'll be able to pick up 400 cable stations that I don't get, including 12 porn channels. That's gonna be sweet mickey fickey. Anyway, it's supposed to happen next Tuesday morning, but I should be back in the bar by Tuesday evening. If someone wants to get a Tuesday morning beer before I go under the knife, let me know. Thirsty B aka the Bionic Drunk. Learn about it. Goodbye shitnecks! -Uncle McThirsty 12-11-01 top |
| What's that smell? Oh wait,
I just threw up on your shoulder. My bad… Sometimes when I'm drinking, I like to mess with people. Have you ever been talking to a guy that's had like 15 beers, and then just punched him in the neck? That, my friends, is comedy. Anyway, I was posted in the stool last Friday, when this grizzled woman sits next to me. When I looked at her, I said to myself, "Good Lawd, that's a lot of beard on a bitch!" After she's had about 5 beers, we still haven't acknowledged each other… after 7, still nothing… Finally after she's had 10 beers, I say, "Hi, I'm Arsenio Hall, nice to meet you." She says, "Wow, Arsenio Hall, I remember your show." I says, "Yep, I was a famous bastard for about 5 minutes, 10 years ago." She says, "Well, what happened to your career?" I says, "I got hooked on Tang, started snorting the shit." She says, "What?" After that, I lost interest, and punched her in the neck. No need to play with these drunken fools for too long,,, it's a waste of time to McThirsty. That's why I'm the smartest man alive. Gotta stay on your toes when around Thirsty B. Remember that fucker. Goodbye shitnecks! -Uncle McThirsty 11-12-01 top |
| Hello kiddies, lets get
drunk. First off I want to say, fuck the Diamondbacks. I have a theory about them being behind the terrorist attacks. They knew they couldn't beat the Yankees in the World Series, so they needed to do something to shake the city of New York. It seems the plan worked. The Yankees looked scared and couldn't get bats off of their shoulders. Did you know Randy Johnson's birth name is really Osama bin Johnson? Coincidence? I think not. On a totally different subject… This is for VeeGee and Markwood… really guys, its time you hire someone to clean the bathroom in the bar. I think if you ask Heitic, he'll do it for a couple nickels. It really really stanks in there. I mean, I've thrown up 100 times in there in the past week, and the toilet doesn't work. I've been forced to piss in the corner behind the cardboard cutout of Marv Albert. Everyone knows Marv Albert is Uncle McThirsty's hero. He doesn't deserve to be pissed on, lets get that bathroom cleaned. Goodbye shitnecks! -Uncle McThirsty 11-5-01 top |
| I'm sure everyone has heard
by now that Michael Jordan is coming back to the league. What you didn't
know however, is that Mike and Uncle McThirsty go way back. You see, we
were in Vietnam together. Soldiers side by side on the front lines, shooting
guns and blowing up shit. That's really were he first got to liking basketball… One day I was posted up in a bunker when I saw my boy Mike about to get his lip blown off by enemy fire. I said, "Mike watch out you sunnuvabitch!" Right when he turned around and saw that short fucker about to fire, I tossed a hand grenade into the air… Mike jumped up, grabbed it, and shoved in down that bastards' throat. Hence, the first alley-oop of his young life. That's why he wears the number 23. I saved his ass 23 times in that war, and that's how he remembers me. Also, it was my idea that he start showing his tongue when he's in action. I was like, "Mike, you know what would make you more fearsome?" He was like, "What Uncle McThirsty?" I said, "If you show that big ass tongue right before you blow some fuckers head off." He was like, "Yeah, you right." He uses the same principles in b-ball. When opponents see the tongue, they know they're about to get schooled. Or mutilated. Anyway, just wanted to let you fuckers know the deal. Don't ask me about Mike in the bar,,, or else I'll force feed you your hat. I've said my peace, and now I must get drunk. Goodbye shitnecks! -Uncle McThirsty10-29-01 top |
| Word is spreading of Thirsty's
drinking prowess… Just to let warn the establishment of Bucho's, Thirsty is being recruited by a number of other bars to become their resident drunk. They don't care about the 2 million dollar bar tab I've accumulated, or the countless damage I've caused Bucho's (BTW, I pissed all over the new Love Tester machine, and now its out of order). They want the legend known as Uncle McThirsty to be posted up at their bar because of the numerous Thirsty groupies that follow me. On the top of the list of recruiters is the shitty shitty Barberton bar known as "The Corner". Word is Heitic used to be a fixture there before discovering Bucho's. They've offered me $53.14, a grape Blow Pop, and 3 cherry flavored condoms to come over to their side. Another bar that is recruiting the legend, is another shitty shitty Barberton bar known as "The Firehouse". Heitic visits this bar almost as much as Bucho's. Why? I'll never know. Last night, VeeGee and I went to this shitty bar to see if we could find Heitic and drag him back to Bucho's. Once arriving, we realized the only people there were dirty Barberton townies. And to top it all off, it was fucking karaoke night. Remind me next time I ever hear someone singing karaoke, to slash their throat with my rusty MacGyver pocket knife. Since Heitic wasn't there, we had 1 beer, sang 3 Sinatra songs, and were on our way. Anyway, there's really no point to this article. I just wanted to remind you all that Thirsty B can drink 200 beers (so that he can be ripped like the Incredible Hulk on massive amounts of steroids), and that everyone wants to be like him. "Give me beer, or give me death. " "Pass me a beer, or I'll shoot you in the neck." Those are Thirsty quotables. Goodbye shitnecks! -Uncle McThirsty10-22-01 top |
| Hello my children. Prepare
to be blessed by the one they call Thirsty… VeeGee the bartender seems to be going quite mad. When I first started going to Bucho's, the concept was simple. A bar, a stool, and a beer (or 100 beers). This is really all a man truly needs to be content. Eventually however, he began to try to think of ways to bring more patrons into the bar. At first it was a pool table. Great, everyone loves pool. Next came the dartboard. Ok, once again I can see how this is good for the bar. After that, the big ass TV. Ok I say, this is fine, but this is gonna bring some drunk Browns freaks in the bar every Sunday. I guess that's ok, as long as they don't try to talk to McThirsty… Now however, I don't know what the hell he's thinking. A couple of months ago, VeeGee decided to buy one of those electronic Rodeo Bull's. Why? In my book its not a good idea to get a guy drunk and then shake him violently while his nuts are being crushed in a plastic saddle, unless you like cleaning up buckets of vomit. VeeGee says he's trying to bring a more diverse crowd in. Who wants a bunch of fucking drunken rednecks anywhere close to them? Oh, I think I can answer that, nobody. But no, it doesn't end here… Last weekend, VeeGee purchased a Love Tester Machine. First of all, if I see anyone using this thing, they're getting a swift hammer punch to the temple (except Lucky, I know he's a freak). I can warn you right now Mr. VeeGee, the first time your back is turned getting another Zima for Heitic, I'm pissing all over that fucking machine. I blame Markwood just as much as that bartender bastard… VeeGee comes up with the ideas, and Markwood funds his idiotic ventures. Maybe that's why Markwood rarely comes to the bar,,, he knows he'll get the wrath of Thirsty. Oh, and just to let you know, the first time I ever see a karaoke machine come through the door, I'm grabbing my gas can and my Zippo. You can say goodbye to Bucho's if that ever happens fucker. Keep this in mind, you have been warned. That is all. Goodbye shitnecks! -Uncle McThirsty10-15-01 top |
| Fond memories of the game
that never was… As many of you may know from the forums, Heitic and I ventured down to OSU to visit Bock Robinson this weekend. Here's a brief recap… Heitic swooped my ass up at the bar around 7 or so… At first I was reluctant to leave the stool, but he was dangling a 12 pack in my face, so off we went. After killing the 12 pack and making a brief Mickey Dee's stop, we got to C-bus. Robinson, pointed us to the keg, and the serious drinking began. Honestly, I don't remember everything that happened that night, but some fuzzy memories involve me pouring beer on a Golden Tee machine and Robinson kicking it to death,,, Heitic crushing both Robinson and I at Foosball,,, hanging out at some shady dudes apartment and sneaking outside to get away from them,,, and making a 4am trip to the local pizza shack (don't remember this one, but was told of it the next day of the half a sub I had left in the fridge). Saturday, woke up around 11/11:30 and Robinson prepared some breakfast. Grabbed a frosty mug from the keg-o-rater and ate up some kegs and eggs. We started at 11:30 and didn't stop until about 5am when I passed out. Went to a cool party during the day,,, and I almost fell to serious injury off of a roof that we were all sitting on. Anyway, after this it was off to the game,,, Unfortunately however we missed the game because of a ticket scandal,,, the beer made the day worthwhile anyways. Tony Tilson, Weaver, Whassup Chicks?, Shuck it Trebek!, Guy Hortchee, Asian Weaver. Sorry to those who are clueless right now, that would be the inside joke of the day. Sunday, woke up around 11/11:30 again, got dressed and went straight to the keg. I knew this probably wasn't a good idea, but fuck it was my motto. Had a good 3 or 4 beers and then we went to Quaker Steak and Lube. Everything was catching up to me at this point, but after a quick vomit in the bathroom, I was able to manage a good 3 beers more. After that, Heitic and I game back to Akron/B-Town. Oh yeah, we both had 6 packs for the ride home. Ahh beer! Goodbye Weavers! -Uncle McThirsty10-8-01 top |
| Whats up fuckers. Its your
Uncle, Thirsty B, back with his weekly installment of wacky drunken humor. So I'm sitting around Bucho's last night, working on my 80th beer of the evening, when some hosers challenged me to some darts… now you would think that after 80 beers I would have a slight disadvantage, but everyone knows Thirsty B can drink 100 beers, so it was no problem. Anyway, we tossed many games, I won some, VeeGee won some, some shady character named "Dave" won some, hell even Markwood won one. What I'd like to talk about is dart throwers elbow. This morning after I woke up in the usual pile of vomit and piss, I noticed a strange pain in my right elbow. After thinking about what could be the cause of this, I realized it had to be from whippin the darts. Conclusion, Thirsty B needs to workout more. Here's my plan to get in better shape… drink more beer. This one is so obvious, I don't know why I didn't think of it sooner. I figure if I double the amount of beers I drink in a sitting, the constant hoisting of the beer mug to the grill will shape one ripped bicep. So, my new motto is Thirsty B can drink 200 beers, so he can be ripped like the Incredible Hulk. No, check that, the Incredible Hulk on massive amounts of steroids. That is all for this week, follow my exercise plan and be ripped like the Incredible Hulk on massive amounts of steroids. Goodbye shitnecks! -Uncle McThirsty10-1-01 top |
| Too many drinks, not enough
time. I've questioned myself recently as to whether I drink too much. My conclusion is, drinking makes me happy and if you have a problem with, you can drink recycled beer piss. So what if I may be causing "Long Term Damage" to my liver and/or other internal organs. I'm happy now, so don't come at me with the drama. Last night was a good one fuckers. Myself, VeeGee, Markwood, Lucky and a dude we'll call the "Sexual Predator" ventured out to a couple of other bars. I'm at Bucho's 7 nights out of the week usually, so I wanted to see how the other half live. Drinks after drinks, Thirsty was toe' up. I'm the best beer drinker in the world. From now on, if you see me, bow, and kiss my shoes out of respect. Also, if you want to date my Grandma, I'll try to hook it up. Remember though, she's a lady, treat her like it, or else feel the hurricane of fists, I call the "Thirsty Fury". My Grandma didn't raise no punks, blop blop - learn about it. Goodbye shitnecks. -Uncle McThirsty 9-10-01 top |
| I have some words of advice
for anyone who enters Bucho's. DON'T MESS WITH THIRSTY ON SOME POOL! Now,
don't get me wrong, I'm not the best pool player there is, by far, but
it seems I have been on an impressive winning streak for the past few
years. I think it's like 1,000,001 games in a row that I've won. Whatchu
think about that jerky? Take last night for example. I'm sitting at Bucho's when 5 other hoser's said they wanted to get on with some pool. Since I had to have a partner, Heitic and I teamed up to crush all opponents. Buck and Lauter? We smoked them like my Grandpa's pipe. VeeGee and Markwood? We made them cry from the severe beating we put upon them. Threatened for a couple of seconds in the first match, I said, "Alright you fuckers, its time to run." I then proceeded to run the table while the losers cringed. They then all made me a sandwich while polishing my shoes out of respect for my pool prowess. So remember, if you challenge Uncle McThirsty, be prepared to piss your pants from the severe humiliation of losing again and again. Beer is power! Goodbye shitnecks! -Uncle McThirsty 9-3-01 top |
| Does everyone remember
"Easy Bake Ovens" when we were growing up? Since they were more
for girls, I had my mom by me the Fisher Price "Home Brewing for
Youngsters Kit" when I was about 5. That's when I first learned the
fine art of making the beer. Damn, where does time go? That's way back
when I was known as "Young Thirsty B the Brewmeister Apprentice". So guess who comes into the bar the other day… Miss Fuckin Cleo. Yep, she came in one night and plopped her fat ass right next to me. I hate the bitch, but she offered to buy me a beer, so I couldn't pass up on that. Anyway, after about 5 or 10 beers, she starts saying, "Hey Mon, why is you so damn sexy,,, you should come back to my hut and get down with some VooDoo love." Or something like that. I then proceeded to laugh like I've never laughed before… and then puked in her hair weave. She then said something like, "You a bad bad man Uncle McThirsty, but I'd still like to dip my 30 pound breasts in hot sauce and rub them all over yo body mon, boyee!!!!!!!." After that, I was pretty mad, obviously. I was forced to give her a swift elbow to the jaw bone and then a D-Bo type uppercut. After that I stood over top of her and yelled, "I bet you didn't see that coming you silly psychic bitch!" People will never learn, but I guarantee that massive dirty brimalow will never come into Bucho's again. If she does, she'll be doing the Chunk dance (what was that the Truffle Shuffle or some shit?) for mine, and everyone else's enjoyment. Yeah, that's right. Goodbye shitnecks! -Uncle McThirsty 8-27-01 top |
| Titties, ass and beer. That
sums up Uncle McThirsty's crazy birthday weekend.Somehow I let the boys
drag me out of Bucho's for a night to go to the strip club. Don't get
me wrong, McThirsty likes the women just as much as the next guy (if not
100 times more), but my barstool is my soul mate, I have a hard time saying
goodbye. Anyway, the naked hoes were nice, but I'll take a night at Bucho's
rather than that shit anytime. What the hell is the point? Naked bitches
walking around trying to make you horny, taking your money… shit,
as a great poet once said, "Funk Dat". Unless Thirsty is gonna
get taken to the back with Chesty McBoob for a little private dancing
(wink wink, nudge nudge) I'm not tripping off that shit again.But damn,
my birthday made me think about the year that just past and all the good
times I had. It was a damn good year. I think. Actually, I can't remember
1 day from last year. I went to the doctor not too long ago, and he told
me I have "beer on the brain". Yep, a few ounces of beer floats
in my head between the brain and skull. Sometimes when I'm running low
on the beer supply at the pad (that means less than 4 cases), I sometimes
freak out and think I might have to take an ice pick to the noggin and
set up a tap. I'd call it "Uncle McThirsty's Cranium Pilsner".
Who wants a glass!?!? Goodbye shitnecks! -Uncle McThirsty 8-20-01 top |
| From time to time I like
to get nostalgic. I was just remembering back to the time I had my first
beer. I was a young buck of about 7 or 8. I ganked one of my Dads' Gennesee
Cream Ale's from the icebox and took it around to the back of the house.
I cracked that bad boy open, took a sip, and almost choked on my own vomit.
Maybe I was a bit too young, but when I had that second beer when I was
about 9 or 10… that was the start of a beautiful relationship. I was sitting at the bar yesterday, and the barkeep, VeeGee (or Chester as I like to call him), told me my bar tab has reached 6 figures. After he told me that, I felt a sense of accomplishment overtake me. How many people can say they have that large of a bar tab? And my mom said I wasn't going to amount to anything!? Ha! I called her later that day and told her to eat my shit. It's been like that all my life though. When I was pulled into the principal's office in 5th grade for having Colt 45 in my thermos, he told me I was on the "road to destruction." If any one knows my 5th grade principal, Mr. Shitstain (or whatever the fuck his name was), tell him Uncle McThirsty has been driving down that road for 24 years now, and its been a great ass drunken ride. Oh, and VeeGee if you expect me to pay that tab, you can think again. When I die from massive kidney failure, you can have me stuffed and put up on the bar wall. That way you can charge a cover charge for everyone to come in and pay homage to the Thirsty shrine… I'm the Buddha of beer. How's that for compensation? Goodbye shitnecks! -Uncle McThirsty 8-13-01 top |
| Do you ever drink so much
that you feel like you're floating in a 200-gallon vat of cranberry sauce?
Well folks, welcome to Uncle McThirsty's world. I drink so much my liver
swims laps. It's thinkin' about trying out for the Olympic swim team (50m
freestyle). I remember a time when I could come to Bucho's, sit down, and drink myself retarded in my own little world. These days I can't even make it to my barstool without 50 cockrockers trying to talk to me or shake my hand. You know what, while you're at it, why don't you take a puff on Thirsty's skin doobie while you're at it. Here's an example. 2 or 3 days ago, Hell, it could've been 2 weeks ago (I don't keep track of days of the week, as far as I'm concerned, every day is Brewsday), I was coming into the bar and some dude came up to me and said, "McThirsty, can I "hang" with you?" After I politely said, "Mind your own, motherbitch!" the jackoff still wouldn't leave me alone. So, to the delight of the whole bar, I was forced to cut off his left ring finger with my trusty MacGyver pocket knife, and use it to poke out his right eyeball. "O why they wanna test me?" - Pizzo Goodbye shitnecks! -Uncle McThirsty 8-6-01 top |
| Now that I've been on the
internet for a damn week I thought I'd be seein' groupies line up at the
bar to take a ride on Uncle McThirsty's love hammer. But nothing. Instead of skeezoid bar sluts, we got damn dirty Canadians and rap producers coming in. All I ask is if your gonna visit the bar, at least bring a girl to sit on the Thirsty one's lap. Let me get sentimental for a moment if I may. When I was about 4 years old, my Grandma asked me, "Uncle McThirsty, what do you want to be when you grow up?" I told her, "A fireman." Well, my childhood dream finally came true just yesterday. I was sitting at the bar when the one and only girl I've seen all week came and sat next to me. After a minute or so, the freak asks me for a light. When I pulled out the trusty bic from my pocket to light her Winston, I "accidentally" lit her hair on fire. So, after about 5 minutes of ear piercing screams, I finally couldn't take it. I pushed her down, undid the button fly, and extinguished the flames with the recycled beer that was flowing through my system. I tell you what, I felt like the one and only Mr. GI Joe that day my friends. A real American hero. Is there anything that beer can't do? Goodbye shitnecks! -Uncle McThirsty 7-30-01 top |
| Yeah, hi. People in this
bar call me Uncle McThirsty. I'm the resident barfly at Bucho's. I was
asked to write this for this something called the "internet".
Don't know much about that, all I know is drinkin' and pissin'. Why they
gotta put my favorite bar on the "internet" is beyond me. I
just hope it don't attract a new crowd of hippies and queers. I'll try to keep you up to date on all of the newest gossip from Bucho's bar each week. That is, if I'm not busy drinkin'. I'll also be listing my beer of the week. If you don't like the beer I list, the hell with you and the queer train you rode in on. When I'm not at Bucho's, I'm at home, brewing some of my own of the sweet, sweet liquid. When I make a new batch, I'll post up the ingredients and outcome for all of you other homebrewing freaks. If you make my beer, don't come complainin' to me about massive diarrhea and bloody piss though. I just make it and drink it, I don't pay attention to any side effects. That is, except for one time, when I lost total function of the left side of my body after making a thick stout. But hey, after a couple months of intense physical therapy, I was fine. Well, my watch is tellin' me its Beer Thirty. That means time for drinkin'. If you see me at Bucho's, don't talk to me unless you wana buy a round. I don't bother you at your queer conventions, so don't bother me when I'm makin' sweet love to my glass of beer. Goodbye shitnecks! -Uncle McThirsty 7-23-01 top |
 |
| In Homage to our 4th
of July Festivities this week I share with you the ongoing joke from the
bar this past holiday: Chef's dad: Say, would you crackers like to hear about the time we saw the Loch Ness monster? Stan: No, that's okay Chef's dad: Ooh! It must've been about seven, eight years ago. Me and the little lady was out on this boat you see, all alone at night, when all of a sudden this huge creature, this giant crustacean from the paleolithic era, comes out of the water Chef's mom: We was so scared, Lord have mercy, I jumped up in the boat and I said "Thomas, what on earth is that creature?!" Chef's dad: It stood above us looking down with these big red eyes... Chef's mom: Oh it was so scary! Chef's dad: And I yelled, I said "What do you want from us monster?!" And the monster bent down and said "I need about treefiddy" [silence] Kyle: What's treefiddy? Chef's dad: Three dollars and fifty cents Chef's mom: Treefiddy Stan: He wanted money? Chef's dad: That's right. I said "I ain't giving you no treefiddy you goddam Loch Ness monster! Get your own goddam money!" Chef's mom: I gave him a dollar Chef's dad: She gave him a dollar Chef's mom: I thought he'd go away if I gave him a dollar Chef's dad: Well of course he's not gonna go away, Ne! You gave him a dollar, he's gonna assume you got more Later that day… Chef's dad: And that was the third time we saw the Loch Ness monster. Then one time, I believe it was July... Chef's mom: August Chef's dad: August, there's a knock on the door. I open it, and there's this cute little girl scout Chef's mom: And she was so adorable with the little pig tails and all Chef's dad: And she says to me "how would you like to buy some cookies?" And I said "Well, what kind do you have?" She had thin mints, graham crunchy things... Chef's mom: Raisin oatmeal Chef's dad: Raisin oatmeal, and I said "We'll take a graham crunch. How much will that be?" And she looks at me and she says "I need about treefiddy" Chef's mom: Treefiddy Chef's dad: Well it was about that time that I notice that girl scout was about eight stories tall and was a crustacean from the palezoic era Chef's mom: The Loch Ness monster Chef's dad: I said "Dammit monster! Get off my lawn! I ain't giving you no treefiddy!" It said "how about just toofiddy?" I said "Oh now it's only toofiddy?! What is there a sale on Loch Ness munchies or something?!" Chef's mom: Now he was angry Chef's dad: Damn right I was angry Chef's mom: Not you, the monster. He was about to kick your ass Chef's dad: Shut your mouth, woman Even Later that day… Chef's dad: Could I have your attention please! Tomorrow, my son is gonna get married to a beautiful lady. [starts to break down] I'm very happy for them both. Ooh there I go! I told myself I wasn't gonna cry, now Chef: It's okay pop Chef's mom: Thomas, you're gonna get me going now Chef's dad: I remember when Chef was just a three-year-old little man. He came running up to me with a big smile and his little chef's hat on, and he said "poppa, poppa!" I said "What do you need, Chef, my boy?", and he said "I need about treefiddy" Chef's mom: Treefiddy Chef's dad: It was about that time I got suspicious. I said "Chef, why do you need treefiddy?" He said "My imaginary friend GooGoo the dinosaur wants it" I went to my son's room, and sure enough, there was the Loch Ness monster Chef's mom: Oh, it was scary! Chef's dad: I said "Dammit monster! You stop bugging my children now! We work for our money in this house and we don't give money away!" VeeGee & South Park episode 303 7-8-02 top |
| At the grocery store I
overheard this cute mom… wait now that I think about it she was definitely
a MILF… damn, I missed my chance… anyway. I overheard this mother
ask her teenage son who his hero was. I noticed that the magazines that
lined the checkout line had their covers plastered with flags and patriotic
propaganda, including one with pictures of the firefighters and police
in New York. The boy responded to his mother by blurting out "Steve
Austin" while attempting to flex his muscles. The mother who didn't
at that time have a clue who Steve Austin was, so she asked him what made
Steve Austin his hero. With a matter-of-fact look on his face his response
was simple "Because he cusses, drinks beer, and kicks peoples butts!" How easily people jump on the bandwagon and call the firefighters and police of New York their heroes, only to be knocked off by intoxication, violence, and vulgarity. Now I know I fit these categories but I don't claim to be a hero, hell I peddle sins to make a living - now I feel great about myself… Anyway if this boy's opinion on what makes a hero is standard for most of America's children, then prepare to have a country full of Uncle McThirstys in the near future. What happened to heroes being full of strong character, like the men and women who fought for our freedom, the freedom that allowed me to choose my own profession. I hate to be cliché, but I am proud to be an American! I had the ability to choose the profession of the inebriated arts; hell even drug addicts had a choice. These choices we seem to take for granted, just look who our children look up too, if you're not violent, vulgar, or a drinker you cannot be a hero. The country was attacked and our eyes were finally able to see what heroes, true heroes, do. Soon afterward we started to take our country for granted again, now you know why I believe Superman is now a drunk and homeless man who wanders the streets aimlessly. I know this is not what you would expect from me for a Freestyle, but hell its my choice and sometimes I think deeply while drinking. This week to celebrate our freedom, do me a favor and think of who your hero is, really think about, then no matter how stupid it sounds thank them for what they taught you… "Thank you William McAtee, for fighting for our country's freedom, and demonstrating how to be a great person, a proper American. Grandpa if I could only be one fourth of the person you were, I will be an amazing person…" Please click here to see a page I dedicated to my Grandfather and my reason why I believe its possible for Superman to be drunk and homeless - note this page has sound VeeGee 7-1-02 top |
| You know what I like?
Well beside breasts… I like jokes. This week this one dude sat at
the bar and thought it would be funny to tell me a joke: "So this guy walks into a bar and says, "Gve me two beers." The bartender obliges him. The guy looks into his wallet and says, "Give me two more beers." So the bartender gives him two more beers. The man went on like this until he had put down ten beers, and keeps on going in his wallet and asking for two more beers. So the bartender asks, "What's in your wallet that you keep looking at?" So the man opens his wallet and says, "The more I drink, the prettier my wife gets." The guy is laughing hysterically at his own joke, and then decides to order two beers. When he is finished drinking for the evening he hands me his credit card. I notice his name on the credit card and smile. As I handed back his card he opened his wallet and looks at the picture of his wife. "I guess I can go home now, she almost looks doable" he says while putting his credit card away. "That's not a nice thing to say about a beautiful woman like Samantha" I say in return. He looks back at me shocked by my knowing his wife's name. He gets up and starts to quietly walk out I yell "Hey I got a joke: What is your wife's idea of safe sex? Making sure you are at work." VeeGee 6-24-02 top |
| See being a bartender
my weekend starts on Thursday… and the weekend is a hell of a lot
of work so I took it off. So to start my mini-vacation off right I begin
drinkin Wednesday eve tryin to listen to some music... and I ran out of
beer - drank my last Harp! Off to the drive thru to buy some beer off the cat that goes by "Nigga Dave" he is a strange cat, he white in his forties, swastika tattooed on his forehead, and other tats on his face, and he sounds like a cross between Wolf-Man-Jack and Richie Rich.... He scares me, but its close and I need some beer! So I go and get some Burger King and some brew! When I got there I was listening to my summer mix and it was on back to the hotel.... Nigga Dave walks up to my car, doesn't even ask what I want to buy but instead says "Playing that music you gona get some pussy" I replied with "after I drink some beer, cause if I have any girls over while I still have beer they will drink it all up" he then says "I'm only gona let you get a duce-duce, drink it fast and then get some pussy" so that was Wednesday. Thursday Heitic and I travel up to Cleveland to watch the Indians play what few would call baseball. We start the day off right by eating at "Cooper's Town" downing some burgers and brew. We enter the game to find that our seats are right next to the Orioles dugout. Heitic and I had big plans to heckle the pitchers, but we never saw any warm up; they ended up all going and finding folding chairs to sit on - what an insult to the Indians - we laughed. Now our problem was that the price of beer at the game is outrageous, $5 for a can of beer… we were saved by Heitic when he noticed that there was a "Beers Of The World" stand right behind our section. This was a great find it was $5.75 for a 22oz beer, what a bargin… 12oz for $5 or 22oz for $5.75… The game ended after ten innings with the Indians winning, so we head to the flats for some dinner and more brew. Around 8pm we head back to the good old "B-Town" to meet up with Thirsty and Robinson at a bar, then continue to drink till 4am. Thursday was also a good day! Woke up Friday around noon, and headed over to Thirsty's for some burgers before going to the Brewfest up in Cleveland. If you want to know more about the Brewfest read Thirsty's Freestyle. After leaving the Brewefest we met up with some of Robinson's friends to hang out at a packed bar. After the bar closed up shop we all grabbed a sammich and headed back to "B-Town". Friday was also a good day. Woke up around noon on Saturday, went to some kid's graduation party cause I saw people there and noticed a free bar-b-q. Then I went to Thirsty's again to meet up with him and Robinson. Our destination was Chi-Chi's for some Mexican eatin, then the bars. The beer must have been getting to me cause in bars I enjoy dancing with the women and Friday I had a great time, but Saturday I was so dehydrated I was drinking more than normal while dancing… It was amazing that I did not puke on the dance floor and instead in the bathroom. From then we left the bar and I fell out Robinson's car back in "B-Town" and went home and fell right asleep. Saturday, in the end was also a good day. My mini-vacation was a good time no work for those couple of days, no beverages other than beer, what more could I ask for… now my life is back to normal working, coachin, and I even got some DJ gigs to do this summer. VeeGee 6-18-02 top |
| Puppets, Muppets, and
the fools who think there real! Ok I'm gona keep this one short. I want to point out the stupidity of some people. Over the Memorial Day weekend the bar is slow, most people bar-b-q and drink at some residence. So this past weekend with college and such being over the bar was packed! Now were this guy came from I have no idea, but it was funny as hell at first. Ok, this ventriloquist came into the bar and he was nice and polite, his puppet on the other hand was heckling all the guys in the bar. The puppet was hilarious, and the patrons at the bar, including McThirsty, took no offence cause they knew the puppet was only for entertainment. Then these girls came into the bar, and the ventriloquist was drunk as hell. Well I start to do my magic and while I flirt with this one chick one of the others start to talk to the ventriloquist. Things seem to be going well for both of us, and the puppet was keeping his mouth shut looking as if he passed out. A couple drinks latter the puppet stands up like Jason from a Friday the 13th movie. The puppet starts talking shit to the ladies, like "Pinocchio is my cousin, and Id lie for you." The shit doesn't even make sense but the women took offence. To make a long story short not only did I get shot down after that stupid puppet ran its mouth, but the ventriloquist and his puppet got their ass kicked by the people at the bar. Now the man-trough has a smiling face next to the urinal mint! VeeGee 6-3-02 top |
| A beer in a bottle; dirty,
and plain Among others that the look the same So I throw one back- Another beer in a bottle; dirty, and plain Another one thrown back- One beer left; dirty, and plain So I throw this one back- To my eyes comes a tear, |
| You know how these one
guys wrote a book about everyone being connected by someone to Kevin Bacon…
well yeah, I met the fellow and I have to say I'm not too impressed. I'm standin behind the bar, yeah I know that's where I am supposed to be fucker! But anyway, up to the bar walks Kevin Bacon. He orders two drinks, a beer and a fruity fagish drink, and smiles at me like he is expecting me to say something… Well I tell him that all the fagots in this town circle jerk every time "Footloose" is on TV. He then looked at me and said "You must not have seen me in my last movie… You know they couldn't see me… I was invisible…" So I snapped, "So was that movie in my mind till you brought up that piece of shit "Hollow Man". Didn't you have some book wrote about you… something about being associated with you in six steps or less?" Pompously he replied, "Yeah let me guess, I bet you can be connected to me in six steps or less too. Ok I'll try - You were dumped by the daughter of the local talent scout from this town who also hooked up Christian Slater for his first movie and he played in "Murder in the First" with me." I just stared at him blankly and said "No" "Let me try again we probably need more than two degrees, lets try using all six. OK you bought a porn from the porn shop ran by Eddie. Eddie's store is where Reverend Smyth watches quarter movies. Reverend Smyth married Tom and Jolene who latter got a messy divorce. Jolene's lawyer Mr. Kramer was pissed on by a dog who happened to be the stunt dog on the set of "My Dog Skip" which I was in." said Mr. Bacon. I now was tired of hearin his shit, so I glanced around the bar and noticed the girl that he was with and said "See that girl over there her name is Sarah, and I fucked her. She also has a cousin named Jessica, I fucked her too. Matter of fact her mothers name is…" that's when he cut me off with his sobbing. He then turned around and started walking back to his table, I looked over at Sarah winked and waved. VeeGee 5-13-02 top |
| Ok VeeGee is gona get
deep on your ass, goin back to my roots… comic books. Ok, laugh all you want but I enjoyed comic books and found myself lost in the adventures every week. Notice the word "enjoyed"… with all the hype surrounding the new Spider-man movie, I found myself wondering what happened to my relaxing and refreshing escape from reality found in comic books. Well the answer is that I grew up. What kind of excuse is that, because my smile and eyes were just as large as any of the small children who sat in the theater this weekend, age didn't seem to play any role. You cant imagine the rush that I felt even hours after the movie, I used to get this kind of rush all the time by reading comic books, again I wonder what happened. Well Friday night sitting at the bar I noticed this older gentleman across the bar, who is a regular customer, yet I don't even know his name. Well usually your boy VeeGee knows everyone at the bar, well this guy I notice only when he comes up for a beer, but as soon as he sits down he is "out of sight - out of mind". That's when a crazy thought floated into my mind… what if that dude is Superman. Ok now your thinking I'm as drunk as Uncle McThirsty thinking that Superman really exists, but no seriously think about it for a minute. Hear me out, why would we need Superman in this modern world. Who needs to be "Faster than a Speeding Bullet" when we got bullet trains, and can easily catch a flight from point "A" to point "B" for a reasonable price? Today who needs to "Leap Tall Buildings in a Single Bound" when strength and athletic achievements can be gained by chemically enhancing our bodies instead of hard work and training? Who needs to be "Stronger than a Locomotive", hell today kids probably don't even know what a locomotive is. Why do we need to be that strong, when we have machines and inventions to give the weakest man super-strength? Lastly, especially before 9-11-01, "Fighting for Truth, Justice, and the American Way" is unrealistic. Most of us are to self-centered and selfish to understand what Superman really stood for; we found it boring and too "goody-goody" nobody could be that good, and not have some kind of dark side. If you think about all those points mentioned above, its very easy to see why Superman would be hiding in a bar drinking every night, we don't need him anymore. When Superman first appeared our country was not exactly perfect… depression… world wars… and communism. The people of that time worked harder for luxuries that we find small, trivial, and expected. Few had machines to help with the tiring tasks that they faced every day. Only the well off could enjoy the then expensive commercial air travel. Most important was that the people back then knew evil; they saw things like segregation, war, and the holocaust was real - the principals of America on its own were strong and uplifting. Today the country that created the Superman is the same that has cast him off as a "wussy" and unnecessary. As I think back to that old gentleman, I never made it over to speak with him that night, nor have I seen him in the bar since then. But, he did make me think; maybe he was a hero of some war long forgotten by society, once praised as a hero of America… but lost in a society in which those old ideals no longer exist… VeeGee 5-6-02 top |
| Sinatra was playin in
the background, there were only a few people in the bar - Thirsty scared
most of the away - and I was talking to this girl named Ms. Pusay. At
two am I noticed that there was only Ms. Pusay and the martini I was drinking
left in the bar. I thought I was making progress with her possibly another
notch on my bedpost, until this dapper looking gentleman in a tux walked
through the door, that's when she bolted out the bar's back door. Well that's what I get for focusing on one chick for the whole evening. I finished my martini then grabbed the broom to sweep up the bar so that I could go home and make a booty call. That's when I noticed an envelope under the stool where Ms. Pusay sat. It was sealed but I thought I might find her number in it so that I could return the envelope, yeah I know its an old trick but I wasn't gona give up on her. When I opened the envelope there was this little film like disk in it, kinda like the inside of a floppy disk, or even the inside of a View Master slide. Needless to say there was no number so I just put it in the bar's safe for the evening, then went home. It's early in the morning and I am sleeping in my bed at my apartment comfortably, at least that's what I thought. Well sleeping in my bed was the last thing I remembered until being slapped upside the head by the same dapper gentleman in the tux from earlier. I was strapped on this table and he told me if I gave him the film I would live. I told him I didn't have it, damn I wasn't quite awake and thinking straight so I technically didn't have it, and that was not the answer he wanted. That's when the cell pone in his watch rang. After hanging up he started this evil laugh while he walked out the door. Almost instantly a lazar beam started to slice the table in half, and it was slowly creeping up to my crotch. The lazar beam was inches away from my crotch and I was scared, so I started to squirm - hell if I was gona die I didn't want to go through the pain of castration first. Well to my surprise I remembered that in my front pocket was my lucky flask. The plan was to twist so that it would reflect the beam back and destroy the lazar. Well Ms. Pusay couldn't handle the role-play anymore. We went right into fucking. Hey I never seen a negative from a digital camera before but I'm glad she dropped it at the bar and came back for it about fifteen minutes later. VeeGee 4-29-02 top |
| Coffee Bars… no beer…
nerdy people… and stuck up bitches… Ok sorry if I'm disappointing all my fans out there but this week I don't have a story about me picking up some chick… for this story that has already been done, and I'm waiting to meet her for a mid-afternoon date. Ok, so she tells me to meet her after she gets off work and before I open up the bar. Well I didn't want to spend lots, hell - any, money on her so I told her we should get a drink. I was thinking that we could go to the bar before it opened to drink in private, well she definitely wasn't thinking of that kind of drink. She wanted to meet at this little coffee bar. What is a coffee house I wondered to myself, so out of curiosity I decided that a coffee house would be grand. Why didn't someone stop me! It was full of turtlenecks, horned rimmed glasses, books, and Simon & Garfunkel playin throughout the whole place. The worse thing was that for a bar it didn't serve any kind of alcohol! To make a long story short I ended up knocking the Shaggy from Scooby Do wanabe bartender out, he told me that I was annoying the other customers and he wouldn't let me spike my coffee. I pissed off two homos who were trying to play some dumb ass backgammon or some kind of gay game with a box, chips, and dice. I told some uppity chick to "Go Fuck Yourself! Cause you know nobody else will!" hell she was halfway through reading some novel while sittin at a coffee bar. Damn it was fuckin messed up… hell I don't even know why I went, it wasn't worth it - the chick I was with wore grandma panties… No I didn't get to fuck her, but when the police was threw me out the bar I got a good look up her skirt while she gave me the "You embarrassed me" speech as I laid on the ground. Who wants a hoe that wears big ass panties when you can have a beer and watch drunk chicks dance in their thongs at Bucho's Bar - Fuck Coffee! VeeGee 4-22-02 top |
| Taxes… what the fuck? Ok so I come into the bar today (April 15th) around 11am, to clean up the mess from the weekend. Twelve noon on the dot the bar fills up with these suits… you know what I mean, business people. So here I am with a bar full of suits wanting to drink a lot, so now what do I do the bar doesn't open until 4pm. Well I did what any other good hearted bartender would do… try to get them drunk off their ass so that they don't go back to work and spend all day, and all their money, here at Bucho's. Anyway, I was rollin in the money when this cute big-breasted suit sits down at the bar. After filling her order I decided to ask why today of all days these stressed business people came into the bar. She replied stating that it was the last day for people to complete their taxes. Not knowing what the hell she was talking about I just smiled, nodded and said "Oh yeah, I forgot about that." Well she then asked if I was happy that my taxes were already done and that I didn't need to stress over them at the last minute. I just stared blankly at her. She said "No, don't tell me you haven't filed yet?" Ok, now I was confused; what the fuck did she want me to file, so I told her no. She then proceeded to give me a cute smile. Apparently I did something good, so I smiled back. She then said, "You do know what I do for a living don't you?" I smiled big and said to myself "The way your acting along with your last statement tells me… I know… You're a hooker!" and out my mouth came a happy and confident "Yup!" She then said "Well let's get to business then." So I asked how much. She replied with "We will trade for these drinks I'm having." Hell yeah! This is good this will be the easiest fuck I have ever scored. She then said "Lets do it now cause I do have an appointment at two and I'm booked the rest of the day and well into the evening." "Right here?" I asked. "Sure its not like these other people haven't done it either or been around it so much they won't even notice we're doing it." This girl is a freak I thought to myself… but I didn't really know if it would scare the customers away so I said "Cant we wait until later or do it somewhere private?" "I'm booked all night, you could go to someone else but I will keep you protected from an audit." She said. "What the fuck is an audit I know almost every STD there is?" I thought to myself before saying "Can I die from that?" She started to laugh while replying, "No you won't die, it will just cause you lots of pain and cost you a great deal of money." Wow this chick knows her stuff, well she must since she is a hooker in a business suit. Then one guy who apparently worked with her came and sat next to her talking money and numbers she then told him she was gona file for me to prevent an audit. He must have been her pimp I thought, and to file was their code word for fucking. So turned to him and said "Sir don't worry I always wear a condom when I fuck so not to get an audit." Well now both of these two looked at me as if I was a ghost… I don't know what happened but they both slammed down some money and stormed out the bar. I didn't know till later when Robinson told me that I had to file my taxes for what I made at the bar, fuck I had no idea about that, the bar has only been open since the end of July last year. Well yeah your probably laughin at good ol' VeeGee for not knowin about taxes, but I will tell you that I may not have gotten laid, but I did avoid the nasty audit! VeeGee 4-15-02 top |
| Wana get the chicks, well
you got to milk what you have. No I don't mean you need to find some kind
of farm animal or homeless lady to milk. What I mean is that this older
fella came into the bar and started to drink, well your probably saying
to yourself "umm dumbass that's what people do in a bar". You
needed to see this guy it was funny as hell, he only had one arm, you
should have seen the poor sap…Hey don't judge me for laughing you're
the one wasting your "important" masturbating time to read this,
Jerky. Anyways while pouring down the brew he started to pour out his soul to me about how he cant get laid no matter how hard he tries ever since he lost his arm. Well just as he was telling me this, a big-breasted girl came over and put her arms around him and asked what happened to his arm. He sighed and shrugged away from her then looked at me and said, "See they only care about what happened to my arm and they leave as soon as I tell them the story." At this time another cute girl came up to the bar and while ordering her drink asked what happened to his arm and he basically told her to Fuck Off. After she walked away I look over at this silly fucker and said "When you get a girl hanging all over you need to real her in with the arm you still have!" He then proceeded to tell me that it never worked cause every time he told the story the girls only laughed and walked briskly away. I thought to myself that it couldn't be that bad so I asked him what the story was. "A couple of years ago I worked at one of the two artificial rice plants in America, and my boss was this hot Asian girl. Well one day she was wearing this short skirt and as I was standing close to the automatic rice picker she bent over! Oh man you wouldn't believe it she wasn't wearing any panties! Well I was excited so I decided to relive myself… well I got into it too much and bumped the power button on the automatic rice picker. Well you can imagine how embarrassing it is to be caught masturbating, well its even more embarrassing when your arm and your piece gets caught in the automatic rice picker. Yeah, and the hospital was no fun either." Well once he told me this story I decided anyone with a disability should milk it by saying something like they lost their arm in a war, or saving some orphans from a burning building. By changing the story the females would be flocking to you, but if you don't have a penis… it doesn't really matter does it. So I waited until he was real drunk before announcing this poor fuckers story to the whole bar. VeeGee 4-8-02 top |
| Since it is April the
month of pranks and April Fools Day I went to formen.ign.com
and found some pranks to share with you: Take It Black? This is a good one for school or work. Buy a couple cans of Copenhagen. Then make a visit way to the coffee room at your school or work place and mix the tobacco with the coffee grains. If they notice they'll be in for a nasty surprise, but if they don't they will soon be addicted to the nicotine in the Copenhagen coffee. I plan to do this for teacher appreciation week just to show how much I love them. Marbles, Marbles Everywhere This one takes a little time and planning, but the result is spectacular when it works. The next time you have a lot of people at your home for a party or whatever fill the medicine cabinet in your bathroom with marbles. After filling to the brim put a smal |
